WHO, ME?

These days I'm so busy I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I'm so confused all the time - do I entertain the kids, get some work done, do my chores, or forget it all and start drinking or go shopping - or better yet both?

But there's one thing I know for sure, I seem to be getting more Jewish Princess-y all the time. And for those of you who just don't understand I got an email from my mother earlier that will explain it ALL.

These are one-liners from old Jewish comedians that will help you understand me, as well as what my poor husband and children have to put up with. Shalom!

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" " Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

14. Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

15. Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

16. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

17. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

18. Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? A: They're worth it.

19. Q: Why do Jewish men die before their wives? A: They want to.
My question: If my husband isn't Jewish, does that mean he'll stick around till the bitter end?

I FELL OFF THE FACE, BUT WORKING MY WAY BACK!

Yes, it's true - I fell off the face of the Earth. Oddly enough my demise began the day after school let out. I'd forgotten how busy life gets when you're trying to keep up with work and life while attempting to entertain two tweens 24/7, which left me completely slack in my blogging realm.

With one full week under my belt (and approximately 4,000 trips to and from GMU for AFYP acting camp - which was awesome, by the way) I finally feel like I'm getting back on track.

Back on track for me means blogging more AND getting my writing assignments completed on time. I've got some old business and new business to report on:

Warrenton Lifestyle Magazine printed my Local Bloggers article in their July issue - it's really big and features a lot of interesting folks who are blogging around Fauquier County. It's not on the website yet, but it will be soon. For those of you who've seen the article (especially if you're new here) the photo of my blog - not so much MY blog. They posted a photo of a Domestic Diva, instead of Domestic AdivaH - but you made it - you found me - you're here - and I'm happy to have you!

I started blogging at Blissfully Domestic as a green living and healthcare columnist, but it's a really cool site with tons of domestic goddess information and fun. For my stuff, check on the Healthy Bliss channel.

I've been writing lots of articles lately about bands and artists for the Fauquier Times-Democrat, which they typically put on their web site as well - The Shields Brothers will be playing at First Friday in Warrenton this Friday - that should be an amazing show!

I think I've written about 1,000 blogs on green remodeling by now for CalFinder.

And my latest conquest! I just officially (I think) became the Health columnist for a brand new magazine that's coming to newsstands and on-line. It's called The Household Manager - no word on the web address yet, but I'm very excited and my first column will come out next month with their premier issue!

No news on the book yet - still looking for that special someone to snatch it up and pay me millions to publish it. Ok, so I'd settle for thousands at this point - I'm really not that picky! Bargaining for Our Lives is the working title and no matter what I'll be launching a web site all about my book and healthcare info for the insuranceless and the insuranced who are willing to be personally accountable for their healthcare and the costs associated.

So, that's my professional achievements for the moment, in a large nutshell. Next time, I'll get back to the woes of boys, laundry, cooking hot meals on hot days (begrudgingly, mind you) and the swirl of domestic do's and don'ts that has become my life!

WHAT WERE WE THINKING?

So, I wrote an article for the Warrenton Lifestyle Magazine for July about local bloggers. Naturally me and all "mah girls" needed to be a part of it. Most bowed out, but a few brave souls, who must really, truly love me, agreed to get together for a little informal photo shoot.

Honestly though, they may not love me anymore. Why, you might ask? Because we all HATE how we look in photos. We had a great time posing, but it was all downhill from there. And then we SAW the photos. Ugh. That's all I have to say.

I came home feeling like a big fat, blob - I truly need someone to dress me properly, show me how to apply makeup like a real girl would, do my hair and teach me how to sit/stand/pose/smile, etc. in the most flattering manner for moments such as this, but alas, I am lacking in these simple woman qualities.

Luckily, it turns out all the other ladies felt the same way. So maybe I'm not as hideous as I think I am. Because if those other three tremendously gorgeous women that I love and admire so much can feel dumpy and blah when they see their photos, too, I KNOW that it's just all got to be in our heads.

So, take a look - this is my favorite of all the photos.
This one will never make the cut for the magazine! Thank GOD! But I think it shows us for the characters that we truly are!

I call this one "Mama K Say What?"

What would you call it? Leave your comments and give us your best caption for this photo!

I WAS HERE FIRST!

Just what is it about siblings that brings them to make a competition out of every single, minute, little thing?

No, seriously, tell me - I really have no grasp on this concept. I have one sibling and he's almost 16 years older than me - trust me, we never had this problem. I worshipped the ground he walked on (still do at times).

Now back to my boys. Honestly I think they would compete to see who breathes better, if they'd thought about it (hopefully I'm not giving away any ideas here). I'm pretty sure they didn't grow into this phase, it's just a natural part of their co-existant lives and they've been doing it since the younger one was born. (Actually he may have started it - not that I would EVER point fingers.)

From the time he could see clearly, that little brother has been after any and all of the "stuff" his big brother ever had his sticky little fingers on. The problem is that the older one still wants all of his stuff, sans baby brother cooties, that is!

And they always want me to referee:
Who can swing higher?
Who can run faster?
Who brushed their teeth better?
Who was the biggest help with the dishes?
Who's really your favorite?

It seriously never ends. I try my best to ensure that they are both treated fairly with equal amounts of love, faith, hope, interest, attention, praise, etc., etc., etc. But life's not fair. I've learned that lesson. The problem is that they are such totally different children. Things are never truly equal - and that's just the way it's supposed to be.

For some reason they just don't get the concept of son #1 is always going to better at some things while son #2 will always be better at other things. But to point this out, you must use examples to help them comprehend.

So then the conversation goes something like this:
"Well, boys you see, you're both so special and you each have talents and God-given gifts that make you unique and your gifts are different that your brother's gifts. So, you are really fast, right? Well, that's one of your gifts - you'll probably always be a faster runner than your big brother."
and to the other I say:
"And you, sweetie, you're totally at home in the water, so you'll probably always be a better swimmer than your baby brother."

And they nod and smile and think. And then after they've processed the information, they reply:
"So, you don't think I'm a good swimmer? I can swim, I'm really good at it. I bet I can beat him in a race across the pool."

And his big brother says:
"Oh, yeah, well I can run fast, too. I'll race you down the driveway right now - GO!"

And their well-intentioned, yet baffled mother is left sitting in their room wondering just where the converstation went wrong.

But then there are days where they do nothing but make me proud. My older son is an avid reader - he's always reading something. In fact, most times he's got two or three books going at the same time. He had somewhere around 90 A.R (accelerated reader) points at school that he earned for the books he'd read during the year that they have A.R. tests for. He was a little concerned that he might not make 100 points by the end of the year.

Now, the little one hates to read. Just completely dreads it. It's just not his thing. But he needed to read more in order to get his reading grade up in class. His goal was to get 25 points by the end of school.

Last week my younger son brought home his 25-point key chain, pleased as punch to have made it to his goal. And so his father and I made a big fuss over it and expressed (several times) how very proud we were that he accomplished his goal.

Then yesterday, stuffed in his pants pocket which I found when doing laundry, was my older son's 150-point key chain. I was astounded - he was worried he might not make 100 and he'd made it all the way to 150!

When he came home I congratulated him and told him how great he'd done. I was walking on eggshells - I wanted him to know how proud we were of him without overshadowing his little brother's success in the same area.

Both kids were pretty proud of themselves. We were good. It was a good week. And when I kissed my babes goodnight the little one even said, "150 points - he did a good job, huh?"

I was so proud of him, giving credit and praise to his brother, without a hint of jealousy. Maybe I'm not so bad at this mommy thing after all.

Then he added, "So, mom - who are you prouder of?"

MY WORK HERE IS DONE

Before I had my boys I was under the dilusion that I would have 18 long and luxurious years to raise each of my children. I am glaringly aware, already, that that is not the case.

At the tender ages of 10 and (almost) 12, my children are fully reared with not much use for good ol' mom any more.

This Monday (Memorial Day) I had a class to manage and my husband had an auction to go to.

"Not to worry, Mom," my sweet little dears volunteered, "we'll just stay home and take care of ourselves."

And they did.

Not an item was out of place. Not a boy to be busted. When I got home I was both pleased and disappointed. The dynamic duo of disaster had behaved themselves beautifully - fed themselves, didn't argue and fight, didn't trash the place or throw any raucous parties. They were truly angels - very growed up angels.

Today, my oldest is off on an over-night field trip. I was not invited. In fact, I was disinvited.

"Please, Mom," he begged, "Let me have just ONE field trip with out you. You know you can trust me and I can take care of myself!"

And so I did. (sniff, sniff, huff, huff)

I drove him to school equipped with a duffel bag of belongings, a bedroll, a waterbottle and my phone and Nana's camera. He never looked back (not even a goodbye).

I drove home feeling very empty inside. My nest is already feeling way too roomy.

I'd be ready to have more babies to fill the void, if I hadn't already grown wise to their plot - 10 or 12 good years and see ya!

I really am proud of them both, though - they're such good kids. I have one last ace in the hole, though - they can't drive yet. Looks like they might just need me yet! (Well, at least until they learn to sneak out at night and go for a joy ride.)